Reassuring Children - How not to miss the point!

Missing the point! What should I say in response when my child says, "I'm nothing but a little sh***!"

A commonly asked question. Most decent adults describe their response to the child as something like, 'Of course you're not. You are such a good boy (or girl)'. An entirely understandable response - but a missed opportunity - and off the mark A statement like this from a child or teen is an invitation to enter their inner world of thoughts, feelings and opinions and because these ideas are so firmly embedded they will not easily be dislodged with persuasion or logic. So, don't rush re reassure. Instead, with empathy and compassion accept the invitation to enter the child's inner world. With genuine interest and slightly raised affect or energy in your voice say something like, "Wow that is a big feeling or thought to have about yourself!"

The next thing to do is ask a question/s that show genuine interest and curiosity, for example;

• "What is that like for you to think and feel that about yourself?" Or

• "Do you feel like that all day or some of the day?"

• "Is that what you feel as soon as you waken?"

We need to regard the child's opening remark of "I'm nothing but a little sh***" as the beginning of a story that is not true in fact but is true in belief for the child. The question suggestions above are but a few -- there are many more. You might also tell the child that hearing that makes you feel sad for them. Once you have heard the child's story then, and only then might you make a move to reassure them, for example.

• "I've heard all these things that you've said about how you feel and when you feel these things and I want to tell you that being 'nothing but a little sh***' is not how I experience you. I'd like to tell you how I experience you."

From this point on the script will vary depending on the child's life story, but a line that I have used in such circumstances is "I experience you as a young person who has had some bad things happen in your life and that sometimes instead of being helped to feel good about your self you've had horrible things done to you or said to you and when that happens us human beings end up feeling that we are bad. So sad. I'd like to help you change that."

Of course this is not a prescription; It is more a principle of first accepting totally what the child says. If possible, find out a little more and then reassure the child that your experience of them is not how they describe them selves. In these circumstances the child is probably expressing shame i.e. a belief that they are bad to core. They may also be expressing guilt and that is the subject of the next short article.